Is it time to give an apology or ask for one? Here's how you can know!
"Why should I have to justify my actions? Technically, I didn’t do anything wrong! Why the hell did he think he could get away with that? What am I? A door mat? I’ll show those A-holes! Where does she get off thinking she can…?"
So many imaginary battles between us can be solved by the right kind of apology given or received. Apology is more than words, it’s a response, a change in behavior, personal growth, and connection with someone. Apology has surprisingly little to do with who’s right or wrong. It can be about loss, empathy, love, nurturing, or correcting the mistake of others.
Apology is about BALANCE in the sea of universal love.
“I’m sorry.” When I hear this I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and want to immediately push back. I HATE when someone leaves me laying in the muck and slime of THEIR mess and says “I’m sorry.” To me, saying “ sorry” is just being asked to be let off the hook without any responsibility or accountability whatsoever. It feels totally insincere and lazy.
For years, my apologies did NOT include the words “I’m sorry” because it pissed me off so much to hear them myself that I couldn’t imagine that ANYONE considering those words enough to make up for anything more than spilling your coffee or bumping into each other. I mean, if your puppy piddles on my floor, “I’m sorry" won’t cut it. Clean that shit up and put the cutie somewhere potty safe. I’m surprised by the number of people who don’t do that!
When I was chasing my dream to become a certified transformational life coaching, our coursework dug into the topic of apology on a level I didn’t even know existed. We learned that apologies can never come too late and we witnessed the the tears and anger and joy and peace that comes from the power apologies have to help heal even the most seemingly hopeless wounds!
There’s no art to a sincere apology because they are supposed to be messy and imperfect and sometimes we need a re-do. I argue that if it’s not a little messy, the apology may lack sincerity and authenticity. And, It’s worth it to keep trying until we get it right.
And, to get it right, it’s important to know that there are different apology languages and different people speak the language of “I’m sorry” very differently. Life coaching school is where I discovered that out of the 5 levels of apology I am the most difficult type of person to apologize to. My friends and family know that if you don’t hand over your first born and sign it in blood, it doesn’t count.
Learning about the different kinds and sizes of apology showed me that, for the sake of others, I DO need to say the words as well as follow through with other important steps like claiming responsibility and retribution. Developing my own self-awareness as to why the word “sorry” makes me want to punch someone in the face helped me learn what I needed to ask for so I can set my loved ones and coworkers up for success (no one can read my mind). If a coworker expects “I’m sorry” to be considered a meaningful valid apology, they will be very confused as to why they get a big “F-U” in response.
I HAVE TO TALK and have courageous conversations about where I stand and what my needs are to create deep authentic connections with the people in my life. In doing this work on myself, I get better at doing this for others as well! Now, I know which questions to ask and what signs to look for to help me demystify what loved ones need to close the relational gaps created by mistakes and wrong doings; my eyes are open for the types of apologies others may need.
Growing our inner selves and communicating our needs makes us better at helping others do the same! When we nurture our own needs, we learn to nurture those we care about as well.
So how do I know when to give or ask for an apology?
GIVE: If you find your heart racing and your mind is rolling through all of the reasons your actions are “completely justifiable,” it’s probably time to open your heart to another facet to the situation. Try an apology on for size in the mirror. See how that feels. If your heart slows and fills with peace, understanding, and a deep sense of integrity when you practice the apology, you’ve found your answer.
ASK FOR: If you feel the pit of your stomach deflate the way a balloon does when you let the air out (maybe you even wheeze a little like a balloon) and your shoulders slump forward when you say “it’s OK,” you might want to try on the "courageous conversations” cap and talk about how the situation made you feel. This is not easy but 5 minutes of uncomfortable is so much better than a lifetime of miserable!
The biggest mistake people make is blowing off the apology process. “It’s done. Too late now. We’ve moved on. It’s ok. It’s not really that important. I’m fine. She’s fine. We’re good.”
A missing apology in your life can create a deep imbalance for you and EVERYONE around you. Taking time to ask for or give that apology, as simple as it sounds, can restore your balance and that’s where I would love to support you.
Is there an apology that needs to happen in your life; no matter how old or seemingly unimportant? Let’s practice!
I invite you to start with this apology languages quiz for two reasons. First, it gives fabulous examples of the five different types of apologies and second you will know which type you are best at and which ones you could choose to work on.
I realize this is much easier said than done. You do not have to do this alone! Too many people go it alone to the point of feeling hopeless and then totally giving up.
That’s not necessary anymore! There’s this amazing thing (maybe you’ve heard of it) called transformational life coaching that millions of people use to light the way on their quest to an amazing life and relationships.
If it’s getting a bit dark or a little hairy on your journey, let’s have a "Courageous Conversations" consultation session.
Register at Courageous Conversations Registration Form
In loving service,
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